breaking up with conformity

I don’t want familiar.

I’m done with comfortable.

All the books i’ve told myself for decades—the tapes i’ve played in my mind, the memories i’ve clung to, the past i’ve lived in, the volumes of self and the information of memory…

I just want free. I want to be everything You give.

So empty me of me. Take the trinkets, the boxes of horror, even the pretty things that I think hold value. I’ve been a hoarder, my fingers and heart crevices stuffed with myself, me, and i. full of things You never gave me. Now You’re offering me the gift of a lifetime—of eternity—but i’m too stuffed with high school pimples and what happened when I was two, to be able to receive from You. I’ve got all my yearbooks, that first break up, a lot of fear closets and some hidden lie monsters in the cellar, i’ve got pretty shiny things like thinking i’m good apart from You, some dollars and some thoughts I love that You know don’t make value or bring cents in Your Kingdom.

I’m full of trash that I call treasure. If only I could see this so I could finally fall down, give it all to You, so You could fill me with real treasure.

I want the heaven gold. I want forever jewels. I want You. You are the treasure. Your Presence the gift! So take these hands, erase them. Take this heart, break the idol factory. Help me careen to the end of myself so I can fly (more like fall) into Your hug.

I want to have space to receive what You give.

Help me let go.

Help me empty.

Help empty me so You can flood so You can fill so You make me Your home, come sit on the throne of my heart. come Lord come Savior come Friend. Initiate a demolition, a full rehab. Destroy all my interior so You can have Your way inside me. Get all heart real estate and take up all mind space. Get every cell and occupy each iota of all atoms. I love You, I need You. Come Jesus have all of me! I’m Yours Lord! Set me free!

infinite / finite \ infinite

my elbows & thought balloons, my cell smiles & hair slides, every heart flicker & each blink—they all fit inside Your palm.

so there they’ll stay—every piece of me.

& as You eclipse my mondays & decembers, i’m fine to be found in You. my little bits contained in Your eternal embrace.

Infinite Friend, You know no end.

i want to lose my drops in Your endless ocean!

teach me to stay in Your hug.

help’s here!

the first step to not drowning is to acknowledge you are drowning.

this seems silly. but imagine you’re in the ocean with no boat & no buoy. head barely bobbing above water as icy dark water chops threaten to swallow life, muscles screaming —exahausted from treading. hungry, hopeless, helpless.

wouldn’t your reality be desperation??

*sploosh!* a white ring splashes in cold water—a lifesaver tossed from above. will you grab it? or will you choose to drown?

 this picture just painted is all of us! we’re all drowning without saving, until we realize our need.

rescue requires humility.

the point is, the moment you start to feel the water, the moment you notice the black, cold waves slicing over your head, hang on to that realization! it may feel like a death sentence. so uncomfortable and painful. like something you just want to shut out. but the alternative is to die from comfort, falling asleep in familiarity (which is truly death). when  you are woken up, I beg you, don’t ignore the freezing karate chop waves. that awareness is mercy. we cannot be rescued unless we know we need help.

& all you need is a cry.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you don’t have to learn how to swim.

you don’t even need to hold your breath.

all it takes is one word—help. spoken genuinely. true repentance.

God delights to show mercy.

we can’t get ourselves out. no amount of money or “fulfillment” from things here on earth will ever satisfy or save.

help is otherworldly.

for many this past year or so has revealed the hungry sea, bodies freezing, nearly underwater. now that you know—how will you respond: a raw HELP, or choosing to go under?

I pray over every person reading this word now, that a spirit of humility comes over us. may we see accurately and interpret rightly. may we give ourselves up, not to the sea, but to the Seer of our souls! to the Rescuer. the ship is there. will you allow Him your hand?

God gives grace to the humble

James 4.6